It's been a long time since I felt like this. Blimey, I think it's been three years. That's a scary thought!
Back then I was at the lightest I'd weighed since I was at uni. I was focussed and motivated, and I was well on my way to losing 6½ stone. I had a routine, I was organised and I was active. So what happened?
Up until 11 days ago I'd lost my way. It was only recently that I made myself look back at the events that gradually saw me fall off the food wagon and try to determine how it happened. I decided that in understanding how I'd put three stone back on, I might get my footing right so I could achieve what had once again started to feel like an impossible climb.
It turns out that I can pinpoint almost to the day where it started to go wrong, and why. It started with one phone call from a production team. I was invited to go to Manchester to be part of a selection process that could result in an amazing opportunity and my ugly mug being on TV. By jumping in with both feet, my head wide open to be messed with however the puppet master desired, what I didn't realise was that at the same time I relinquished my own self-control. The self-control that found me at the healthiest I'd been since I could remember. It gradually disappeared and made way for a complete stranger to play with my head.
I know this sounds like I'm blaming that stranger for making me lose my way. Absolutely not. I'm blaming myself. It was my decision to let my guard down and to let the other person in, and I'm angry not for doing that, because it was one of the most exciting, surprising and exhilarating experiences of my life, but for not recognising what I'd done at the time and for not fixing it afterwards. Because although I didn't realise how it happened, I wasn't daft enough not to see my eating habits had changed and that my clothes were gradually becoming too small!
There’s no rhyme or reason to why I didn’t readjust my eating habits and just get back to it, I really do believe it was just laziness. I’ve discovered that for me, willpower isn’t the big problem once I start, it’s being organised. I let my routines slip, I let my guard down, I stopped caring and started eating all the wrong foods again. Then it became a vicious circle; eat too much bad food, move too little, feel bad about myself, eat more bad food to cheer myself up, feel guilty, hide, scold myself for looking like a Weeble, feel bad that I scolded myself, eat bad food to cheer myself up… this really could go on forever. I know I’m far from being alone in this, yet I always felt like I was.
But that was the relapsed me, not the real me. I used to believe that was the real me, and I spiralled into a self-destructive pattern that was so bad I finally realised if I didn’t do something I wouldn’t get to see my nieces grow up, and that just wasn’t an option. I also knew I wanted to give myself the best possible chance of having a family. These realisations dawned in the weeks leading up to the start of the 6½ stone loss, and my plea to my GP for help.
I can’t explain what changed this time, three years later. There was no light bulb moment. There were no life-changing crossroads. There was no big health scare. I’d just had enough and resolved to shed the excess weight, and suddenly the switch in my head that made me focus 3 years ago was switched on again. And it feels bloody fantastic.
I’d originally decided that I would only weigh myself once a month. Oh boy, was I ever wrong about that! I know from experience that a monthly weigh-in is more effective at keeping my motivation up because even if I’d had a bad week and not lost any weight, I didn’t know so it couldn’t get me down and tempt me towards comfort eating. It also meant that after a few very good weeks the number of lbs lost would be so high that it would keep me on a natural high for weeks, and push me towards the following month with more energy and motivation.
But there are other tricks I learnt, and they’re things that I’ve carried forward to my final push for a permanent lifestyle change (It’s not a diet. It’s never a diet!).
I have to be organised. I absolutely have to be organised! It does, however, mean that I still obsess about food, but now it’s in a positive way. My main tool is a weekly meal plan. As I often don’t get home from work or after-work activities until 6-7:30pm, the thought of cooking is usually a chore. So I plan my meals according to my days off and any earlier times getting home. I cook in bulk and freeze at least two portions of each meal then stick one in the fridge for the next day, meaning every couple of weeks I barely need to cook at all, and even better I need to shop less often!
My organisation doesn’t stop there, though. I know that if I don’t make the following day’s breakfast and lunch the evening before I go to work, I’ll go to the coffee shop and get a huge free scone for breakfast with my cuppa, and then I’ll scrounge around the shops and canteen until I find something I can eat regardless of the fat content (no meat, fish, seafood, peppers or mushrooms makes it a huge pain in the backside! Try finding a vegetarian dish that doesn’t contain peppers, mushrooms or both!). So before I can sit down in front of the TV or with a book, I prepare the next day’s breakfast and lunch.
I’ve definitely become obsessed with food again, but instead of obsessing about all the treats I can have, now it’s about making sure I always have enough healthy food in that I never have to go scrounging in cupboards or resort to a takeaway. And by healthy food I mean healthy food that I enjoy eating. It amazes me how many people don’t think about that hugely important point. A couple of years ago a colleague was having lunch. She was trying to lose weight and her husband had made her a fruit salad. She was forcing it down and complaining the whole time because she doesn’t enjoy fruit. When I realised what the problem was I asked her why she was eating it. Her reasoning was that she was on a diet and this was healthy, therefore she had to eat the fruit salad. My only response, and I remind myself of this every week when I’m writing my meal plans, is that you’ll only stick to your ‘diet’ if you actually enjoy the food you’re eating. It’s common sense. Try eating three meals a day that you don’t enjoy for a week, then tell me honestly that you’ll stick to it for the next few months because you know you should. You won’t. You just won’t. If you enjoy your low-fat, low-sugar meals, willpower becomes much less of an issue.
So here I am. I’ve eaten my breakfast of lovely fruit salad with my favourite low-fat yoghurt with an oaty breakfast bar crumbled into it, I’m an hour from lunchtime and I’m starting to feel hungry. But I know I have a salad with cottage cheese and horseradish, and I’m looking forward to it instead of dreading the chore of eating ‘diet food’, because although it’s an odd combination, I love it.
I didn’t stay away from the scales, either (we all knew I wouldn’t!). Two weeks into my change of lifestyle and I’m 7.6lbs lighter *happy dance*
