This month has been a challenge. Three years ago people called me Superwoman because of the focus and drive I had, now I suspect it’s at least a little comforting for those same people to know I really am human.
I could use all the excuses in the world for why I intermittently jumped off my food wagon this month. I could tell you that I’m stressed from organising my second house move in 15 months, or that I’ve been a bit down, that my back pain has been a bitch, that I haven’t been sleeping properly, or that two of my nieces stayed one weekend and I was off work the whole of that week so it was easier to just have a bit of a break. I could list even more things than that, but what would be the point? I know they’re all just excuses and so do you.
I simply need to re-learn how to be focussed and motivated to the point where I’m in control. And that right there is the key; control.
For most of my adult life I’ve known that I don’t like losing control. It’s why I rarely drink enough alcohol to get drunk. Pleasantly tipsy is my limit because I can still retain some control. I’d rather drive than be a passenger. I (finally) know that if I have just one cigarette I’ll return to my 20 a day habit, and that realisation is why I’ve now been an ex-smoker for 8 years. I can’t even have the smallest of drags on someone else’s cigarette (but sometimes I do still follow someone else’s trail of smoke down the street!). I even caused myself more stress recently by not just accepting the offer of my landlord’s new house because it was easy. I’m in control of my own future (job offers aside, because who can control someone else’s decision once you walk out of an interview room?!). I decide where I live and when I move there, I decide how I spend my time, which people I let into my life, how much people know about me, how much exercise I do and which foods I put into my mouth, when and how often.
One thing in particular is helping me to focus again, albeit intermittently, and it’s something my sister reminded me of; how good it felt to be in control. Now, when I’m doing my shopping and I know I’m being tempted towards offers on chocolate or crisps, I say to myself, “No. I’M in control!”. It doesn’t always work as well as it could, but a chat with a friend recently has reminded me that it takes more than one statement. It takes focus and commitment, a real drive towards the end goal that can only come from within. And our reasons for our lifestyle changes are so personal and diverse that one person’s answer isn’t necessarily another’s. It doesn’t hurt to have a whole arsenal of buzzwords and tricks up our sleeves. They don’t even have to make sense to us, as long as they work in our favour.
Saying to myself that I’m in control is such a small, simple thing but it helps me. They’re clearly not magic words, but I’m taking the positive reinforcements and I’m using them regularly, making them part of my everyday life and not just when I’m feeling weak. And I don’t just mean to deny myself everything I enjoy. I can still have a chocolate bar or slice of cake, but they don’t have to be huge portions and they don’t have to be every day. I’ve just had a coffee and a piece of chocolatey traybake, but it doesn’t mean the rest of the day will go to food hell; I have a salad for tea and it’s already prepared. All I need to do is open the box and eat. It’s the easy option. It will take significantly more effort to go out and buy chips!
I know I’ve lost my way in the last month, but it’s only a little. I still eat healthy meals and I rarely throw away the fruit and veg I buy because I actually use it instead of letting it sit there looking like some weird, shrivelling piece of artwork. I had my monthly weigh-in this morning and the news isn’t good, but I can move on and get on with what I need to do in the coming months. My reasons for becoming smaller, healthier and fitter haven’t changed and there are still reasons for its difficulty level increasing a few notches, but I just need to be that little bit stronger to push through.
I just might need a little help sometimes. Or a very large kick.
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Four days later and I'm losing those lbs again, so if you're going to kick me please will you wear soft shoes instead of steel toecaps? Much obliged!
*happy dance*
